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Sunday, September 30, 2012

5 Days Later

If you could see me you'd see me dancing.  Tapping my toes, wiggling my butt and grinning from ear to ear.  Yep that's what you'd see.  I lost 2.5kg from Monday till Friday.  I do a weigh in on Fridays with a Facebook Primal Group and even hough I started on Monday I weighed in on Friday.  I have gone from 90kg, my heaviest ever weight to 87.5kg.  I weighed 87.5kg back on the 8th of September and I though I was good then.  But of course I drank and put it all back on and then some so for now, I am back on track and trying really hard to stay there.
Let's see how I go on Monday or shall I wait till next Friday to weigh in again, yeah I think I will.  I really like using the FitDay site for keeping track of my carbs throughout the day.  It is really good to see the portions and know how much carb they contain.
Wish me luck till next Friday okay.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Making A Stand

I have taken a stand, drawn a line in the sand and I am saying no more.  No more drinking at home and nibbling away to my hearts content.  No more resorting to a drink after a hectic day and then bashing myself senseless the next day.  I told my husband on Monday this is it, I have to lose weight.  I hate the way I look, I hate myself for being weak and blowing it all the time.  This is a time in my life where I should be rejoicing, confident in who I am, living the good life.  Instead I am not looking at myself in the mirror, not buying nice clothes, because I refuse to buy a size 18 and that's the next step for me.  Gawd I was a 8 to 10  as a teen and a 10 - 12 after babies.  Now I am buying an XL or 16 no more okay no more.  So we decided together not to enable each other to drink at home.  We are not even going to drink out this week.  I know is this a blog about eating and losing weight or alcohol consumption, I know, where am I going?  But I so firmly believe that the two for me are linked.  Alcohol makes me chillax, feel free, until the next day, when I am riddled with guilt, then I eat when I am drinking too.  So I have to find out the emotional reasons why I am doing this to myself.  I am addicted to feeling relaxed, chilled, cool, and booze does that for me so I am addicted to booze.  I am also addicted to sabotaging myself, calling myself horrid names, blaming myself for my weakness, all those things to, I must be otherwise I would have lost all this weight when I started this way of eating way back in March this year.  I believe the Primal / Paleo lifestyle will work for me.  I love food and I love to eat and on this plan you can, it's all about cutting out the carbs and making my body consume the fat it is carrying for energy.  
Who wouldn't want to eat this for breakfast and still lose weight?  SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!
So I have crossed the line and I am going to stay committed.  Truly I am.  Oh and I found this brilliant blog to help me with some meals you have to check it out.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Feeling Crappy

Sometimes I just wonder how stupid I can be.  Really just how many times am I going to tell myself I am going to make changes and then go and sabotage myself the same darn day. So that has happened of course this eek, just like it does every week, I am so darn weak it isn't funny.  

But today I am sick of it yeah I know said it before blah blah,,,,,, but I really mean it.  On the weekend our beautiful granddaughter came to visit and we were painting with her and my husband took some photos of me and her together, all I see is my ever expanding bloody chin, my fat fingers, like chipolatas and my fat arms and wrists.  He says you have to have your photo taken with her I say not like this doesn't he get it!!!!!!!!

So I just have to do this.  I hate myself daily, I wake up thinking oh now what am I going to wear today, I look in the mirror and want to scream, and then I go and drink and that makes me put on the weight.  I have a drinking problem, probably more than an eating problem.  I have to get this sorted out NOW!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, September 20, 2012

One Week On

I am not very happy today.  I know what has happened but just the same I am upset.  I say over and over that I am going to get it together and lose this weight and then at the first sign of stress I drink and then probably over eat.  I say probably because I'm not sure, I don't weigh things like nuts and cheese when I am eating and drinking, so who knows.  Any way my weight today is up again.  Let's recap
Starting weight 
1st September  88.9kg            
8th September 87.5kg   big cheers here of course
15th September 87.9kg I knew I had blown it over the weekend slap the side of my own head
21st September 88.3kg I drank way too much over the Friday to Sunday night period last week.  My mum came to visit and I get really stressed when she comes.  I love her very very much but we clash and it is a constant effort for me not to talk back and cause an argument.  So to chill out I drink.  Obviously that didn't work.  Well it stop the arguing either, though I was
quick to retreat and all calmed down before it got out of control.
So here I am again lining up for another week of holding my breath to see if I can lose something this week.  ARGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One high five for me though and I need to acknowledge every little achievement.  Yesterday after a very full on day at work I was contemplating grabbing a bottle of red to go with the steak we were having for dinner.  I didn't, I got a glimpse of myself in a window as I left work and then in the mirror in the car and I forced myself to drive on and not stop at the bottle shop.  I think that is an achievement for me.
So here goes another week.



Thursday, September 13, 2012

Weighing In

I am part of a Primal Weight Loss FaceBook group and as a way to focus and stay accountable a lot of us are weighing in and posting our weight on Fridays.  Today I weighed in and I've put on 400grams since last Saturday.  I know why though.  On Tuesday my first day back at work I had a bottle of wine, see my way of celebrating, chinning that whole thing.  Then yesterday at work I had a Torture and Trauma seminar to attend and lunch was wraps. I ate them as I didn't have an option so there was a small amount of wheat there.  Last night we had a family dinner out for Adrian's birthday and I had 3 glasses of wine.  I can see the errors here.  I'm a little frightened though as my mum comes this afternoon and I know she loves to kick back and have a few drinks when she comes.  Arghh  I constantly seem to come up against these little things that slap down my ability to lose. 
I have found some good blogs though, I particularly like this one so go and have a little snoop around.

And for some recipes to live by check out here.
Coconut prawns so easy, so delish, so primal.  Coat your prawns in coconut and cook in coconut oil.  Way to go.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Slave to Emotion

I am a slave to my emotions.  I am a lazy slave too I think feel.  I have only one response to emotion and that is to celebrate with alcohol.  I started a new job yesterday.  A job that for me at this stage appears to be perfect.  It is at the Refugee and Migrant support centre that I have volunteered at for the last 5 years.  I should be happy, I am happy, I loved my first day.  So I come home and drink a bottle of wine with dinner.  So why do I always have to sabotage my weight loss efforts with alcohol.  Yes I know, I am pathetic and I need to stop it.  I'll weigh on Friday this week, to be in a group that are trying the be accountable to each other tactic.  I will probably have put on weight or have lost so little and then I know how I will feel.  But it's my fault.  Arghh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, September 7, 2012

Yeah for Week One

This is one of my all time favourites and with this Primal Eating I can have this as much as I like.  Coconut crusted Chicken with Avocado Salsa.  Is your mouth watering?

So okay drum roll......dadadadadadadadadadadadada  Weight Loss for wee One
1.4 kilos 
TA DA!!!!!!!!!!!

Well I am chuffed.  I was surprised actually.  And I am being cautious as last night we went to a neighbours and I drank pink champagne.  Hmm  so I am not looking at the scales till next week and I am hoping I haven't blown it.

Weight at 1st September    88.9kg   weight today 8th September  87.5kg

I am realising how much food is a part of my daily life, in as much as I feel about food, with emotions if that makes sense.  For instance, if I am feeling relaxed and a little laid back I will want to add to that feeling with a nice piece of cake and a coffee.    If I am tired and rushed I want fish and chips or some other greasy kind of food.  I use food to add to or change my feelings.  That is strange when I think about it because food is simply fuel.  It is just needed to keep me running, nothing more nothing less.  Yet I have given it a totally different status in my life.  I'll have to think about that and work through it to see how I can change that.  Making food less a comfort and more just what I need to run properly.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Moving On

Today I had great news, I had applied fro a job at TRAMS which is a refugee and migrant support centre.  I have worked there before for 12 months on a contract and I've volunteered there for 5 years.  So I now am employed for 12 hours a week, that is ample for me with the other things I like to do.  I feel quite confident and happy today, not really having the urge to celebrate with a drink because I want to buy some new clothes to wear to work soon.  And I flatly refuse to buy a larger size anymore.  So lunch today was chicken wings and salad, at around 2pm.  I had brekky at about 8am and wasn't really hungry till then.  I do like the Primal way of eating.  I like protein and I like the fat on chicken and bacon so being able to eat that is a bonus.  I love salads in summer so that shouldn't pose too much of a problem either.  My trouble is sweet things even sitting here right now I want something sweet.  I don't use sugar at all anymore and I don't eat bread, pasta, rice or legumes at all.

I am trying.

Blown it already

So it begins, the chaos that sets me up to fail.  Or is it just that I have no willpower, guts, stickability?  What happened, my 2 year old grand daughter slept over on Tuesday night, woke in the night and stayed awake for quite a while, I wake up tired.  Breakfast was fine, scrambled eggs all the good stuff.  Then my grand daughter wakes again and is not well, she has a cold and we don't go off to our usual music morning, she sleeps on and off all day.  I don't get a chance to have a proper lunch, I nibble on chicken, strawberries and cheese and nuts.  I then have an appointment in the afternoon after taking her to her mum.  I have a crisis to help another family through and I get home at 6.30pm.  Stressed annoyed at the situation I have just seen this family in,  I grab a bottle of wine on the way home.  WHY you ask, I don't know I asked the same question and got the same answer.  Don't know why, other than I can and at that moment I didn't really care.  Even as I open the bottle and drain most of it I am not even thinking about the guilt and anger I will feel this morning.  I sabotage myself daily.  
So here I am again having to really make myself not throw it in already.  3 days in and off the rails already.  I have a problem to deal with.  Resorting to wine for comfort and though I didn't drink at all for 13 years or so, since I started a few years ago, it is obvious to me, it is not a good thing for me.  So here we go today another day, I have heaps to deal with today, a hangover from the situation I was made aware of yesterday, a family that needs help and I have to make sure I don't resort to my old comfort this afternoon.  Sounds so ridiculous to people who don't need a drink to relax I know, I've been one of you too.  But it is my reality at the moment.  Somehow I need to change my reality.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Another Day

This is probably one of my favourite meals, especially when I feel like eating out.  It quells my desire for something a little more delish than usual.  Seared Scallops with Prawns and Chorizo.  Yum Yum!!

So day 2 went well.  I was happier after discovering that it was just a fault in the FitDay calculating of the carbs in the frozen vegies, that put me nearly 20grams over the 50gram limit.  I ended up being 47grams of carbs so that was great.  I am eating a small amount of strawberries and cream sometimes with nuts after dinner with my coffee.  I really need that sweet touch at the end of the day.  Also I am putting at least a teaspoon of coconut oil in my coffees.  I can't see any physical difference yet in my face of the bloating of my tummy but I'll continue and give it some time.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Correcting the FitDay log

This morning checking over the food log from yesterday I found that FitDay must have a different frozen veg listed than the one I used.  My Carb intake was weigh less than what they had registered.  YEAH!!!!! I am over the moon I actually came in under the 50gr just but that's fine with me.  So day 1 down and I have managed to succeed.  Let's see how I go today.

Remembering When and Gasping at Now

This is a shot of me at the beach pre 1989 probably about 1988 maybe.  Gosh to look like that again!







Below is 1990 and I am off to a ball at my eldest daughter's kindy.  Can you believe a year before I had had twins.  I carried them till 38.5 weeks and they both weighed in at a little over 6lbs each.  I lost 38+ kilos in the next 12 months.  Gotta love a curly perm hey!!!!

 Below in all my 2004 glory but no double chin.

This is my eldest daughters wedding day and my twins here were 2 of the 3 bridesmaids.  This is 2006 and I was definitely not happy with how much weight I was carrying even then.  Wait for it here I am today just 6 years later.

 I look like a truckie arghh!!!!!

Gosh right now I want to just dig a hole and crawl into it.  I am terrified to put these up but I am over it, I am sick of being fat and I have to make a change in this.  I am hoping the humiliation of posting this will make me want to lose the weight so I can show off my wonderful thin photos in the future.

Day 1 - where to from here

So I am off to a roaring start, sound so confident don't I?  I've had my breakfast, 
130g bacon cooked in a teaspoon of garlic infused olive oil. 
 52grams of mushroom, 48gr tomato cooked and 2 farm fresh eggs. 
Add 1/2 cup full cream milk and a teaspoon of coconut oil.
I will elaborate on the coconut oil later, have to do more research myself.  Apparently it aids weight loss and helps ward of Alzhimers Disease. It sure tastes great in a coffee.


The basics of the Primal Lifestyle eating is that you eat less than 50grams of carbs a day, moderate protein and most fat (good fat), animal not manufactured fats or soy, canola that sort of thing.  So that is what I am trying to do.  So today I start tracking everything I am eating to see if I am under the 50grams of carbs.  I thought I would be, truly and I am a little shocked and horrified to see just how much I am over.
As you can see I am sitting on 71.7 grams of carb, shock, horror.  No wonder I am not losing any weight here!!!!!!!!  The fat ratio is good with it being around the 64%  it should be around 65%, no worries there.  The tracker is from a site called FitDay.  It's a great help for tracking and finding out how much carb there is in a food.  Now that I realise I am over by some 20 odd grams a day I will try and sort that out tomorrow.

Well now I have had it, I can't stand looking at myself, my gut is getting bigger and bigger and I really hate the way I look and feel.  So I am giving myself 12months to lose the near 30kgs I need to lose or I am having a lap band surgery.  I don't want to, I love food it's how I socialise and we love to travel and eat the food where ever we go.  But I just can't keep going like this.  I have the lowest self esteem ever and I am so out of condition, it is terrible.  From Monday 3rd September I am making changes.  Stay tuned and take the trip with me.  Yell at me, encourage me and most of all help me lose this blessed weight.  Keep me accountable please.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Beginning - again

So here I am again, yes again.  It has been, let's say over 20 years since I have felt good about how I look.  And I have tried every diet I can think of.  None have worked, not for long, not for ever anyway, and to be completely honest I am over it.  So here I am again, trying another diet, no let's not say diet, call it a lifestyle, don't you hate it when they say that? Who are they you ask, well they are the skinny folk, those who have managed to make their diet a lifestyle.  It isn't me.  
But I am making another last ditch effort to lose weight.  At this point in my life I am 51 years old and weigh the heaviest I have ever been a whopping 88.9kg's as of 1st September.  I am a whole 5 feet tall so I feel huge.  My stomach often feels bloated and it looks it too.  My butt is huge and I have a face I cannot even recognise in the mirror anymore.  Where do all those chins come from?  
Just 3 years ago I was no where near this size.  We endured a family tragedy back then and my response was to eat and drink.  I love food, I love wine, I love cocktails and I like all of them often.  So it was with gusto that I went on an eating drinking binge.  Now comes the payoff.  Ouch not nice.

About 4 months ago I came across a photo of a woman on facebook who had lost 20kgs in 6 weeks and with no exercise.  So hey I am all over that.  She had started eating what is known as a Primal diet.  Go here and you will learn all about Primal eating.  So I decided that I would try this way of eating.  And for a brief time it worked.  It made sense to me too, so it was easy to jump on board.  But I like alcohol and that doesn't go so well with this way of eating.  Well not in the quantities that I like to drink anyway. So since then I have been fumbling around trying to sort this out.  Not drinking during the week.  Only drinking on weekends and then only red wine or rum and coke zero. See I had read that there are less carbs in red wine and rum and that if you have to drink soft drink (which I never do by the way) then it has to be no sugar.  So I started drinking coke zero with rum.  Really go figure my logic will ya.  From never drinking soft drinks to drinking them and expecting to lose weight really!!!!!!

A Primal breakfast omelette 

But this is the eating programme I am choosing to go on.  I've done Weight Watcher's, yep I lost a bit and put it back on.  I hate meetings too.  I have tried hitting the gym and when I was in my late 20's it worked, I was really thin, but not now, it isn't what I want to do on a regular basis.  I like to walk and have always walked a lot.  But I have hurt my back somehow and even that is difficult now.  So you can see I am in a pickle, ooh did someone mention food. argh  umm hang on let's get back on track here.  Yes that's right in a pickle, I need to move more but can't do what I need to do to help my weight loss.  I am hoping that writing this blog will make me commit to finally sticking to this way of eating.  I hope it will help me to not have that sneaky mid week wine (insert bottle), I hope it will be a catalyst of change for me.  Join me won't you.